I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
