Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
