one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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