Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I lost the right to judge tonight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
