the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
