You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you traded sex for a burrito?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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