'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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