I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
