I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
