you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
