i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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