I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
