Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
