Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
