Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Randomize
