There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Please, let me fuck your mom
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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