Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
