We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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