I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
