Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
