Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
