Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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