A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
