haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
