I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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