I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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