and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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