I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
