I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
