did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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