Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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