I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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