Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
