But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
