My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
