TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
