She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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