my sisters under your porch take her home
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
