A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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