Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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