Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
