me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So vagazzling was a success
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
