I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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