I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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