i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
