Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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