I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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