If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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