Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
