You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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